


Auld Lang Syne

by AceQueenKing



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Christmas Party, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 08:19:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2844344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceQueenKing/pseuds/AceQueenKing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff "Joker" Moreau isn't having a great time adjusting to life post-Reaper War. One Christmas, his best friends  - and their families - conspire together to help him fix that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Auld Lang Syne

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MarginalMadness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarginalMadness/gifts).



> Written for Mass Effect Holiday Cheer 2014.
> 
> Special thanks to [buhnebeest](http://archiveofourown.org/users/buhnebeest) for being an awesome cheerleader, fact-checker, and friend.

“I don't know if we should be doing this.”

“Steve, will you relax?” Kaidan tipped his chair back and crossed his arms. They'd had this argument enough lately that he could almost take a nap, wake up, and still know where they were in the argument as soon as Steve looked at him.

Steve sighed. “It feels wrong.”  
  
“Why?” Kaidan groaned. “You know he'd be happy if...”  
  
“If he was making the choice to go himself, sure.” Steve nodded. “No big deal. But the way we're doing things... It feels shady.”  
  
Kaidan sighed. “It's a surprise, Steve. You can't just _tell_ him the surprise. Well, you can. But I'm not saving you if _she_ comes after you...”

Steve broke into a grin. “Hey, Shepard's not that bad.”  
  
“You've only done one tour of duty with her.” Kaidan sipped his coffee. “Motherhood might have mellowed her out, but there's few things in the universe that can compete with a pissed off Shepard.” Kaidan picked up Steve's plate – a gesture of goodwill – and turned around, purposely bending over a bit in order to turn on the sink.

The soft _clack_ of Steve's load of mugs clinking against the table told him that his ass scored a point in the old argument.

“I'm just saying...” Steve sighed. “I'm used to being a widower, Kaidan. I know what it's like.” Steve's hand fell on Kaidan's shoulder. “I don't think you're prepared for how he's going to feel.”  
  
Kaidan's back stiffened. “I work with him every day, Steve. I know that Joker's not in the best place right now. And I don't think I could consider myself his friend if I didn't do everything I could to make him happy.” He turned his most famous puppy dog eyes onto Steve. “And we both know this is _really_ going to make him happy.”  
  
“Yeah, well...” Steve grabbed Kaidan's waist and pulled him close, and Kaidan leaned into his husband's neck. “I just hope that you're prepared if he doesn't actually want to go.”

Kaidan kissed him. “I'll be patient with him. You know me.”  
  
Steve smiled, his lips warm and kind. “Yeah. I do.”  
  
\- - -

Even after the warning, though, it was hard for Kaidan to approach Joker's cabin.

It was his first time doing so. That in itself was odd – this was their fifth tour together, and his third under Kaidan's command.

But Joker rarely – if ever – left the bridge. Even after the Alliance had granted Joker a private bunk – as much a “thank you for your service” as it was a “mandated by new Alliance regulations regarding servicemen and women with disabilities” - Joker could be found asleep in the pilot’s chair.

The night shift pilot simply learned to sit in the co-pilot chair.

And if that pilot – or Kaidan – noticed how Joker's eyes would gaze sadly at it for a few moments before remembering where he was, well... It was something they kept to themselves.

No point in talking about things that they couldn't change.

“Joker?”  
  
He knocked on the door. As Captain, it would be easy to simply override the door code, but it felt wrong to do that.

Shepard, he thought, would never do that.

“Joker, c'mon, it's Kaidan.”  
  
Silence.

“Joker!”

“Shit, Commander, hang on.”  
  
He heard a loud banging noise – several, actually – and waited until the door opened. Joker appeared, his arms held up by shaky metal bars.

Crutches.

He knew Joker's condition had gotten worse – but crutches? Nobody used crutches.

“Jesus, Joker.” Kaidan winced. “Crutches?”  
  
Joker's eyes narrowed and he stood up straighter.

“I assume you didn't call me up just to criticize me about my choice of walking aids, _Commander_.”

One of Joker's hands, despite how much it would have to hurt him, was poised and shaking on the “close” button.

“No, I...” He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit, Joker, I'm sorry.”  
  
“What can I do for you?”  
  
“Look, uh...Can I uh...come in?”  
  
Joker shrugged and hobbled away from the door. “Can't stop ya, _Commander_.”

“Just… It's Kaidan, Joker. You know it's just Kaidan.”

Kaidan tried hard not to shrivel his nose in concern. The room _smelled_ stale, lifeless. It felt like no one had lived there – there were no pictures, no personal touches. Everything here was Alliance standard.

There wasn't even one picture of the Normandy group – or one of EDI.

“Kaidan.” Joker hobbled over to his bed and sat down. Kaidan tried to ignore how Joker was breathing heavily even after so little exertion. “What can I do for you?”  
  
“You got Tali's invitation, right?”  
  
“Yeah.” Joker nodded. “Set during our holiday shore leave?”

“Steve and I were planning on going.” Kaidan sat down on the only chair in the room. “Was hoping that you'd consider going with us.”  
  
“Uh, thanks, Commander, but...” Joker rubbed the back of his head. “I think I've got a date with several bars on the Citadel during that trip.”  
  
“Trust me, Tali'll have more than enough liquor, Joker. And you know she'd like to see you.”  
  
“Yeah, well, it's not Tali that I don't want to see.” Joker looked down.

“Who is that?” he asked, although he suspected he knew the answer.  
  
“Who do you think?” Joker shot back. “Shepard's going to be there, isn't she?”  
  
“Yeah, of course.” Kaidan frowned. “Her and Garrus. Tali's really excited that they're bringing the kids.”  
  
“Yeah, well...” Joker sighed. “Let's just say that makes those bars look a lot more tempting.”  
  
“You can't hate Shepard for the choice she made, Joker.”  
  
“I don't hate her, but I still don't want to talk to her. Thanks, but no thanks, Commander.”  
  
Kaidan's fist tightened.

“EDI's death...”  
  
“Was entirely her fault.” Joker's voice was dripping with even more sarcasm that unusual. “And when she told us about those choices... She chose the worst possible option, Kaidan, because that was the only one where she got to run off into the sunset, over EDI and the geth.”  
  
Kaidan bit his tongue. Personally, he had thought that Shepard had picked the best option. The other options – certain death for all by doing nothing, combining all life in a risky gamble, or overtaking the reapers with Shepard's personality – were all horrible. None of them had been guaranteed to work.

But he could see why Joker saw it the way that he did.

He wondered, privately, if Steve would feel the same if Shepard had had to choose between saving Kaidan or saving mankind.

“Well, be that as it may, you can't avoid her forever.”  
  
“I could try. And it doesn't need to be forever – just the next 100 years or so.”  
  
“Look, don't you want to see Tali and everyone else?” Kaidan pleaded. “You know Shepard's got two kids now - “  
  
“I didn't, but I'm really happy to hear that.” Joker laughed. “Garrus must be over the moon.”  
  
“She's not going to be doing anything besides chase her kids around all day.” Kaidan smiled. “Besides, don't you want to see Tali's kids? First quarians born outside of bubbles in centuries.”  
  
“Well, not really, but I do want this conversation to end.” Joker sighed. “If I say I'll go, will you let me go back to bed?”  
  
“Yeah.” Kaidan got up and shook Joker's hand. “You won't regret it.”  
  
“Don't know about that, Command...Kaidan.”  
  
“You won't.” Kaidan grinned. “I'll run interference with Shepard, if you want.”  
  


“I...” He looks away and nodded. “Yes. I'd appreciate that, Commander.”  
  
Kaidan's heart broke just a bit at that. Shepard and Joker had always been the best of friends. To see that relationship completely ruined... it broke his heart a bit.

Yet another casualty, Kaidan reflected, of the Reaper war.

\- - -

“I can't believe you got him to say yes.” Steve shook his head as he carefully poured two cups of coffee.  
  
“I think he did it to shut me up, more than anything else.” Kaidan frowned. “His room worried me – it didn't look like anyone had lived there, not for a long time.”

“Yeah, well, that's not exactly healthy, Kaidan.” Steve sighed. “This isn't going to be a fun Christmas.”  
  
“Hey, it's you and me and a sleigh full of toys.” Kaidan grinned. “Just because we're bringing Scrooge with us doesn't mean that it won't be fun.”  
  
Steve sighed. “I just don't want him to be sitting there, miserable. I've been that guy, Kaidan. No one likes that guy.”  
  
“Well...” Kaidan pulled his arm over Steve's shoulder and bumped his hip with his own. “You don't have to worry about being that guy anymore.”  
  
“I know.” Cortez smiled, but it was a sad one – the one he always had when he thought of Robert. “But that doesn’t mean I don't remember what it was like to be the Grinch.”

“I offered to run interference between him and Shepard – do you think it'll help?”  
  
“It couldn't hurt, at least at first.” He frowned. “Might make Joker more comfortable – but it might hurt Shepard.”

“Yeah, I should probably call her – make sure they're even coming.” He sighed. The old Shepard wouldn't have minded, but Shepard had been a bit more...delicate... after the war. Although he couldn't blame her for that – with what she went through, he'd worry more if she didn't come out with a bit of PTSD – he was also a bit glad she'd retired.

The sun and sand were probably good for her.

Steve nodded. “Might as well – give you something to do while I check the Kodiak.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
Steve grinned. “Hey, you can take the pilot out of the plane, but you can't take the plane out of the pilot. I won't be long. Just want to make sure everything's good before we head out on Rannoch.”  
  
Kaidan shook his head. Steve got up and cleared their plates. After a careful kiss on Kaidan's head, he walked out the door.

Kaidan supposed it was time to get this over. He dialed the number on his omni-tool.

The image that formed was not Shepard. Instead, her husband stood, looking a bit surprised, a large bundle of what looked like blankets in his arms. “Oh. Hi. I thought you were...”  
  
“Shepard?”  
  
“Yeah.” Garrus shifted the bundle in his arms. “She's out with Ash. Doctor's appointment. Thought you were her actually, that maybe something was...”  
  
“You worry too much.” Kaidan smirked. “Who ever thought the guy who took a _gun ship blast to the face_ would turn into such a worrywart?”  
  
“Have you _met_ my wife? You know, she who headbutts Krogans and destroys Reapers?”  
  
“Yeah, I have.” He chuckled. “Miss you guys, by the way. The Normandy hasn't been the same without either of you.”  
  
“I can't even imagine how badly you've got those guns out of alignment.” Garrus sighed. “But... I think we're both done with that life, for now.” Garrus shifted the bundle in his arms again. “It's... nice, being retired.”

“Never thought you'd go domestic either,” He said, and Garrus only looked up briefly to give him a soft smile before returning to the bundle in his arms.

“Yeah, well...” He smiled. “Never thought I'd have this, either.”

His mandibles flared out wide, and Kaidan was versed well enough in Turian facial patterns to know that that meant pure _happiness_.

“How is she doing, Garrus?”  
  
“A bit better every day.” Garrus' mandibles slid back toward his jaw. “Still a bit... Well..” He looked down. “I don't think she'll ever get over the Geth and Edi. Not completely. There's still nights...”  
  
“Yeah.” Kaidan understood survivor's guilt well enough. His eyes gazed past Garrus and his laundry, to the pictures of Ash and Robert that were kept on the wall.

Oh yes, he understood survivor's guilt.

“But she really is getting better.” Garrus shrugged “I think having to run after our little ones helps. Distracts her. Doesn't let her – or me – dwell much.”

“I'm glad to hear....” Kaidan began to say, but was distracted when the pile of blankets began to emit a soft chirruping noise. “What was...?”  
  
Garrus shifted the blanket a little bit, and a tiny head darted out, eyes – and mandibles – wide. 

“Seems like we woke somebody up.” Kaidan breathed. He'd never seen an infant turian – and this one was surely _very_ young, it's pale skin still covered in fluffy down. It was far paler than Garrus, the bit of visible plating under the feathers nearly white. It seemed impossibly small – smaller than a human infant, even. It was almost impossible that such a little thing would grow into something as tall as Garrus one day.

“Yeah.” Garrus said, and he didn't have to be able to read turian sub-tones to understand the pride in Garrus' voice. The infant chirped more insistently, and he saw tiny – so _damn_ tiny – claws cling carefully to Garrus' cowl.

“This is Paxus,” he said.

“Number three already?” Kaidan laughed. “You've been holding out on us!”  
  
“Yeah, well, he was a bit of a surprise for us, too.” The baby gave a very excited _cheep_ as Garrus reached off camera and pulled out a large bottle of...something blue. Kaidan didn't recognize it, but Paxus certainly did. His eyes opened wide – and were the same startling blue as his...father's?

“Is he...?” Kaidan swallowed, unsure if he should even ask.

“Adopted? Yeah.” Garrus chuckled. “Abandoned. Shepard saw him at the hospital during one of her visits last month, and, well...” Garrus chuckled as he slid the foreign looking bottle deep into the baby's mouth. “It's a good thing we've both got good pensions.”

“She's always been like that.” Kaidan smiled. It was one of the things he'd loved first about Shepard – her heart was ten sizes bigger than anyone's had a right to be, especially with her background. He'd expected working with a Mindoir survivor would involve a cagey, slow to trust individual. _Not_ a woman who'd practically needed to be dragged off lest she adopt every varren on Tuchanka.

“Yeah.”Paxus made an odd sort of purring noise as his little arms clung to the bottle that was nearly as big as he was. “I'm thankful he'll never remember it. He was in bad shape at first. We're just starting to put some weight back on him.”

“Looks like he's got a good appetite.”  
  
“Yeah. Well. Takes after his mother in that.”

Kaidan grinned. Shepard was the only woman he'd ever met – even among biotics – who'd challenge him in a burger for burger contest.  
  
“Maybe you've got a biotic on your hands.”  
  
“If that's the case, we're going to need to get a bigger fridge for us dextros.” Garrus pulled the now empty bottle away from Paxus, and Kaidan smiled as Garrus' long fingers gently tapped the kid's back – some things, it seemed, were universal. “Daddy certainly won't complain about _that_.”

Kaidan laughed.

“So, what were you calling about?” Garrus brow furrowed. “Not bad news, I hope?”  
  
“No – well....I assume you got an invitation to Tali's' party next week _?_ ”  
  
“Of course.” He smoothed Paxus' long fringe with a soft finger, and Kaidan felt something in his chest twinge – just a bit. “Provided Shepard can travel. She was looking forward to that, said it would be a nice...What's your human holiday? Chrimmas?”  
  
“Christmas.” Kaidan frowned. “I thought you said she was doing better.”

“She is.” Garrus's mandibles flickered into an unmistakable smile as Paxus headbutted his father's neck. “But she's also uh... pregnant.”  
  
“What? Don't tell me you two finally somehow...?”  
  
“Ha! Despite all the practice, no.” Garrus shook his head. “Donor. She wanted to feel one from the beginning and...who am I to resist what makes her happy? And Ash is...” Garrus chuckled. “Well, she's starting school next year, and I wanted more time with a human baby.”  
  
“Wow.” Kaidan raked his hair back. “Four under five then?”  
  
“ _Kreeee_?” Paxus interjected.

“Don't worry, the new baby won't take your place.” Garrus rolled his eyes. “Sorry.”  
  
“It's alright.” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. “To be honest, I'd rather small talk...”  
  
“I thought you said it wasn't bad news.” Garrus' back was instantly straighter; the man was on guard.  
  
“It's not but uh...” Kaidan sighed. “Look, Joker's worried. About seeing Shepard. At Tali's.”  
  
“He's coming?” Garrus voice was clipped – neutral. Kaidan winced. Garrus and Joker had always gotten along, until that final meeting.

“Yes. After a lot of arm twisting.”

Garrus said nothing, suddenly concerned with a rather squirming pile of baby. He moved Paxus onto his shoulder; Paxus' impossibly small face curled into his father's cowl. Tiny eyes fluttered shut, then open again, not wanting to miss the excitement of a stranger on the phone.

Stubborn, he thought, and bit back a chuckle. _He'll fit into that family just fine._

“I'm surprised.” Garrus finally said, and Kaidan didn't miss the sarcastic drawl, even under all the flanging sub-vocals he'd never understood.  
  
“Yeah, me too, actually.” Kaidan rubbed at his neck. “But uh...look...I...I kind of promised that I'd help keep him and Shepard apart. And I thought that...might be a lot easier if we just told Shepard - “  
  
“No.” Garrus voice was clipped and cold. “If you think there's _any way_ I'm telling her that, you're wrong.”  
  
“Garrus - “  
  
“No.” He closed his eyes. “You know how she is. If I tell her that, it will hurt her feelings and she will immediately try to spend all her time with Joker. And then he'll say something that will leave her upset, while means _I'll_ say something that will upset _him_ , and then we'll leave and I'll have to listen to several weeks of Shepard wondering if she did the right thing three years ago. I'm not doing that to her. She doesn't deserve to be a _fucking_ pariah for saving the - ”

Paxus, eyes now wide at the sound of his father's anger, started to fuss. At least, Kaidan thought it was fussing – he started making repeated high-pitched cheeping noises, his fingers darting out to try to get one of Garrus' mandibles as they twitched.

“For saving the universe.” Kaidan finished, as Garrus rubbed his chin over the top of Paxus' head. He was making a low, almost impossibly deep noise – soothing the child in a language Kaidan would never be able to understand. “I know. Joker's being a bit of an ass, but... He's never really recovered from losing EDI. If Shepard had chosen one of those other options...”

Garrus shot him what he was reasonably sure was a warning look, but he ignored it in favor of pressing his point.

“...Would you not feel the same way about seeing Joker and EDI? You and Shepard...You guys have a nice life. Adorable family. Joker.... Joker doesn't have any of that.”

“ _If_ Shepard had picked one of those other options, I certainly wouldn't be going to Tali's party.” Garrus growled, sub-tones rough. “But I wouldn't have called them ah....what was it? Selfish bastards? For being happy, for moving on.” Garrus growled again. “For _not_ being dead.”`

“Garrus...”  
  
“Shepard forgave him. She's nice like that.” Paxus reached a hand up and yanked on one of Garrus' mandibles. Garrus winced. “I'm – ow, stop that, that hurts daddy—not.”

“Garrus, look...” Kaidan sighed. This was going nowhere fast. “I know maybe you're not ready to forgive Joker, but can't you help me in this? It's not like it's going to be great for Shepard if she reaches out a hand to him and gets bitten. ”

“Yeah, I...” Garrus' words were interrupted by the child in his arms, who made a sudden peeping noise as he yanked his father's mandible wide, and then tucked his head in the thin space between his father's mandible and his teeth.

Kaidan bit an urge not to laugh at Garrus' confused expression as he stopped mid-word and gently extracted the kid. “I'll guard her. Keep her busy. But I'm doing it for her – not for him.” Garrus kept his eyes down as he gently tickled Paxus' tummy, earning a happy cheeping noise.

Kaidan about sagged in relief. “Thank you.”  
  
Garrus looked up like he was going to say something else when they both heard a door slam.

“Daddy!” A high pitched voice cried, and Kaidan had to bite his cheek to come from laughing when Ash – their oldest – flung herself into frame, her little face barely visible as it was pressed into Garrus' leg. “Daddy, we're home!”  
  
“I see that.” Garrus' mandibles twitched in what Kaidan thought was probably a smile. He leaned down and effortlessly picked her up, swinging her in one arm while holding Paxus firmly with the other. Paxus curiously reached for his sister, and Kaidan smiled when one of Ashs' fingers connected with the baby's own.

“Daddy, we had sandwiches in the park and we...” She trailed off, eyes curious as she spotted Kaidan on the other end of the call.

“Oh?” Garrus chuckled. “Ash, do you remember your uncle Kaidan?”  
  
“Hi.” She said shyly. Kaidan nodded, suddenly stuck by how much Ash resembled her name-sake – her skin the same tan color, her eyes a dark honeyed brown. Her hair was long and glossy, and he stiffled a laugh imagining poor Garrus trying to braid it every morning.

“Hey there, kiddo. Are you being good for your mom and dad?”  
  
She giggled and hid her face in her father's neck.

“She gets surprisingly shy, this one.” Garrus glanced toward the door. “Wheres your mom and Sapi?”  
  
“Bathroom.” Ash wrinkled her nose. “Sapi made a yucky.”

“Garrus?” A familiar voice called out, and Kaidan reflexively stood up straighter as Shepard came into the omnicamera's view.

Some habits, he reflected, were hard to break.

She looked different – better, mostly. Her red hair had regrown, and the scarring that had made her look nearly broken when he'd last seen her at her bedside in London was now much more muted. She'd gained some weight back, including a small baby bump. And she was _smiling_ and that was a sight he never thought he'd ever see again. She was carrying her own squirming little pile of dark-plated turian, this one a bit bigger than her brother. She resembled her father a bit more than her younger brother – no feathers, more plates – though she didn't share his coloring or his eyes, both of which were shades of deep brown.

“Oh!” She grinned and waved, adjusting their squirming toddler – What was her name – He couldn't remember, everyone called her Sapi —so that she could do so. “Hello, Kaidan.”

“Ma'am.” He said, and she laughed. Her daughter laughed too, the high-pitched giggling the sound of tinkling glass.

“What are you boys planning?” She chuckled. “And should I be concerned?”

“Just talking about Tali's party.” Garrus shifted both the kids in his arms to lean over and press his mouth against Shepard's forehead. Their second eldest reached out for her father, and he shook his head. “Daddy's full, kiddo.”

“How's Steve?” Shepard asked, bouncing the squirming child in her arms.

“Good, good. Just celebrated two years, this spring.” He smiled.

“Wow.” She smiled. “Looks like he's been good for you, Kaidan. How's my ship?”

“Flawless.” He raised a hand. “We're taking good care of her.”

“Good.” The turian baby in her arms started emitting soft whuffs and Shepard turned her hand to cradle her head. “Are you guys coming to Tali's party?”  
  
“Of course.” He grinned. “Wouldn't miss it for the world.”

“Sapientia,” Shepard cooed – yes, Sapientia! That was her name! - and instantly the little girl's impressive dark eyes met her mother's. “Do you remember your uncle Kaidan? You saw him last year when all us girls took a trip to Eden Prime. Remember?”  
  
Sapientia looked at her mother for several seconds before Shepard pointed toward the vid-comm. When she turned toward him, she blinked several times before emitting a soft _whump_ and a _trill_ that somehow, Shepard understood.

“Yeah, that's your uncle Kaidan. He took you to get that _hielo_ , remember? It was bright green and you ate the _whole thing_.”  
  
“ _Kreem.”_ The toddler grunted, her basic still hopelessly accented. “ _Eeisss?”_

“Yes!” Shepard gasped. “And me and Ash had ice cream. Good girl!”  
  
Kaidan smiled.

“Garrus and I are planning on coming as well. And all three of these little terror-tots.”  
  
“Maybe four, if Jane finds another one in the next week.” Garrus murmured, and Shepard used her free hand to swat at his shoulder.

“You love it.” Shepard's eyes were happy and light. He actually had to agree with Garrus: telling her about Joker's distress wasn't worth the unhappiness it would cause.

“Wasn't complaining.” Garrus bounced the two children in his arms to numerous giggles. “Though we are going to have to get a new place soon if you want many more of them.”

“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.” Shepard murmured and tickled Paxus' tiny mandibles. Paxus giggled, and Kaidan smiled.

“Well...We'll see you there.” He opened his mouth to mention Joker, but it faded away He swallowed a deep breath. “Better let you guys get back to things. Sounds busy.”  
  
“ _Hieelllo?_ ”

“No, Kaidan, can't give you a hielo through the comm, Sapi.” Shepard pulled her daughter up and kissed her chin, and her mandibles flexed in a grin. “Sorry, Kaidan.”

“Maybe if you're good on the ship, daddy'll share a hielo with you on Rannoch.” Garrus leaned down and nuzzled his little girls' head.

“Garrus, you're spoiling her.”  
  
“You and Ash can get an ice cream, too. My treat.” His eyes glittered with such warmth Kaidan felt _his_ cheeks blush as Shepard smiled. Seeing Garrus and Shepard's brood was making him start thinking that perhaps it was time to ask Steve if maybe they could find room on the Normandy for a kid of their own...

“Anyway, we'll see you Kaidan.” Garrus nudged his little girl with his chin. “Can you say goodbye to uncle Kaidan?”  
  
“Bye,” Ash said, her face half-obscured by her father's own.  
  
“Sapi, you remember how to say goodbye in basic?”  
  
“Bai!” The little turian energetically waved. “Bai bai!”  
  
“Good girl! You are so smart.” Shepard kissed her daughter's fringe, which made the little girl squirm. “Bye Kaidan.”  
  
“Goodbye.” He grinned, and shut the vid-com.

Kaidan walked over to the walls and stared at the pictures of Ash and Robert for a moment. What would Ash be doing right now, had she survived Virmire? Where would Steve be, if Robert had never been taken?

The door to their cabin reopening derailed his thoughts, and Steve entered, a grin on his face. “Kodiak up to your standards?”  
  
“Yep. Took a little beating to get her there, but she's the best Kodiak in the Alliance fleet at the moment.” Cortez pulled Kaidan into his arms and gave him a quick hug. “Heard from a Mr. Vega while I was down there, too.”  
  
“He coming?” He'd never gotten a chance to really know Captain Vega – he and Steve hadn't started dating until after the war, and he'd spent most of his time on the Normandy lost in thought. By the time he and Steve had gotten serious, Vega had long been off the Normandy, undergoing N7 training.

“Yes. In a Santa hat, as it turns out.” Steve scratched the back of his neck. “Actually, an entire Santa costume. He showed me on the vid-comm.”  
  
“He actually found one that would fit those muscles?” Kaidan tried to picture it – and failed.

“Evidently.” Steve chuckled. “Although not well. He says if there's kids, and there's snow, there better be Santa.”  
  
Kaidan laughed and shook his head. “I don't think Rannoch has snow.”  
  
“Yeah, well, don't tell Vega that.” Cortez rolled his eyes. “Tell Jimmy Vega he can't do something, and he'll find a way to do it.”  
  
“Yeah.” Kaidan smiled. “It'll be nice to see him again.”  
  
“If we can see him over the several screaming children who will not doubt be attached to him.”

“Wait...Screaming children?”  
  
“Don't you know that Santa doesn't go anywhere with a sack full of presents? And you know Vega and candy...”  
  
“Oh god.” Kaidan covered his face. “Shepard is going to kill him.”  
  
“I'm thinking she'll let him off with a maiming for the holidays. He's going the full nine yards though – even got some turian candy, since some of them will be dextros. How are they, by the way?”  
  
“Good. Still coming. Garrus volunteered to help keep Joker and Shepard apart.”  
  
Steve winced. “I'm not sure this is going to work out, Kaidan.”  
  
“I know.” Kaidan sat down on their small couch and Steve followed, his knees hitting Kaidan's own. “But what can we do?”  
  
“The best we can.” Steve grabbed his hands. “But we're the Normandy crew, so if anybody can do it...”  
  
“Yeah.” Kaidan swung an arm over his husband's shoulder and kissed his cheek. “It's gonna be us.”

\- - -

Steve Cortez approached Joker like he would the twitchy trigger on the Mako's thrusters: carefully.

Steve and Joker had quickly become fast friends – flyboys were flyboys, and Joker had a passion for the craft that Steve had always appreciated – but Joker got along with few people these days.

He had not missed the way his friend's sarcastic wit changed from playful to mean, but Joker had become stony and cold the second EDI had died (if that was the right word) and had only hardened further after his sister had been confirmed killed as well.

Joker seemed alright, today, or what passed for the new normal for Joker: sitting stock-strait at the Normandy controls, barely blinking as he glided them toward Rannoch.

Steve tried hard not to remember how different this man was from the friend he had once knew.

“Hey.” He sat down in the co-pilots seat, and decided to start with a safe topic. “How's she flying?”  
  
“Same as usual.” Joker said in the same bored, clipped tone most of their conversations had consisted of. “Minimal drift.”  
  
“It's impressive.” Steve nodded. “You've got a gift with the controls, Joker.”  
  
“Well hey, when God doesn't give you working legs....” Joker snorted.

“Hey.” Steve reached out an arm, but Joker flinched, and Steve let his hand drop back into his lap. “You've got a gift, Joker. Not some damn consolation prize. I'd gladly hack off both my legs to get a drift under four thousand on one of these new relays.”

Joker snorted and looked away. The looking away was the give-away; Joker never looked away unless he was uncomforable, and Joker was uncomfotable very, very rarely.

“Hey.” Steve leaned towards him, and resisted the urge to wrap an arm around him. “You going to be OK?”  
  
“I can be professional, Cortez,” Joker muttered. “No need to worry about that.”  
  
“I know. But I'm not asking if you're going to cause an inter-galactic incident – I'm asking if you, _my friend,_ Jeff Moreau, are okay.”  
  
Joker looked away and said nothing.

“Because it's not wrong if you're not.” He looked out at the stars. “I've been there. I know.”  
  
“Yeah.” Joker whispered. “It's hard.”  
  
“I know.” Steve nodded. “I'm not supposed to say anything, but you know, everyone's been busting their ass trying to get you a present.”  
  
“The cripple's usually the hard one to buy for.” Joker laughed.

“Hey, hey, I'm being serious here.” Steve laughed. “Anyway, I know there's a lot of pressure on you. So if you need an out, I'm here.”

“You gonna be my wingman?”

“Yeah. You want out, you just tell me. We'll make up some excuse about the Normandy, and no matter what you say, I'll back you up, one hundred percent.”  
  
Joker raised an eyebrow in a rare expression of amusement. “Even if I tell them that we've got an infestation of alpacas?”  
  
“So help me, I will tell a group consisting of two N7 super-soldiers, one turian Legate, one quarian Admiral, several biotics who could flay me to death with little more than their minds, a shadow broker, and two krogan battlemasters that there's a “critical lama situation” happening in the engine room.”  
  
Joker's mouth quirked up into a disused smile. “You're alright, Cortez.”

“I try.” Steve looked Joker over and noted he was not quite as stiff. “So: you gonna be OK?”  
  
“I'm gonna try.” Joker pulled his cap low, a sign that the conversation was over. “And I'll let you know if we need to make like a camel and spit.”

\- - -  
  
Vega was an N7, and an N7 prided himself on thing: being prepared for anything. He'd faced blizzards, towering infernos, and more than a few no-win scenarios.

And James Vega had excelled in those situations. Need to babysit one of the best commandos the Alliance had ever seen? Sure, no problem – call her Lola and pass the time playing cards. Help stop an evil mechanical squid race from grounding the universe into meat paste? Jimmy Vega could do that.

And after that one, Vega kinda figured that he had navigating impossible situations down to a science.  
  
His plan was simple: dress as Santa, go to Tali's party, say hi to everybody, and give out candy to the little _ninos_ , and head home to the Kilimanjaro.  
  
Step A went well – he arrived early, and was greeted by an enthusiastic Shepard. “Hey Lola,” he'd said, and given her a quick, small hug. “Retirement's been good to you, I see. Lots of chocolate?”  
  
“You're one to talk, Vega.” She smirked. “Pretty sure it's not just your guns that have gotten bigger.”

“Hey, what's Santa without a little cushioning?” he joked. He'd been so focused on Shepard's amused smirk that he missed the small toddler coming forward until he felt a tiny, three-fingered hand on his knee.

A small turian was not no doubt one of Lola's kids, only they would be ballsy enough to get handsy that quickly with a stranger – was holding on to him, her dark eyes wide with excitement. “Hey, _morena_.”

“Santa?” She squawked, and her little talons clung to his leg. “Moooom, is Saaaanta?!”

Shepard knelt down to the little girl's height and brushed her head against the little girl's fringe. “Baby, this is mommy and daddy's friend––”

“Santa!” She pressed her forehead into Vega's leg. “Santa!”

“Garrus just read her a book about Santa about an hour ago.” Shepard cringed. “She's kind of excited.”  
  
“Wait, turians have Santa?”  
  
“No, we don't. Generally.” Garrus walked up to them both, an amused flicker to his mandibles. “But these lucky kiddos get turian _and_ human holidays.”  
  
“Santa!” Her mandibles flickered excitedly. “Daddy! Is Santa!”

“So he is. And I'm sure Santa would like to be able to put down his bag.” Garrus picked the little girl up, effortlessly, despite her struggle.

“Santa, daddy! Wanna be with Santa!” The tiny turian squirmed admirably in her father's arms. Sensing that Garrus was fighting a losing battle, Vega quickly threw down his bag.

“Daaadddy!” The little girl squealed. “Daddy, Santa! Wanna sit with Santa!”

“You don't want to sit with daddy?” Garrus chuckled.

“Nooooooo!” The little girl swung her mandibles out wide in distress as if sitting with her father was the worst thing in the world. “Saaaanta!”

“Looks like you have a fan,” Shepard muttered.  
  
“C'mere, morena.” Vega scooped the little girl up in his arms, who instantly stopped crying and instead clung tenaciously to his chest. “You know me, Lola, I'm kryptonite for the Shepard ladies. If you hadn't already been with Garrus here—”

Garrus opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a series of startled chirps. James bit his cheek to keep from laughing as a pale, _feathery_ infant turian suddenly darted out from Garrus' collar.

“Damn, Scars! You ever going to go easy on poor Shepard?”  
  
Garrus mandibles fluttered as he reached up and retrieved the kid. “I'll have you know this one was her idea—”  
  
“Yeah, bet you fought real hard on it, Scars.” The infant swatted eagerly at Garrus' mandibles. “What's his name?”

“Paxus,” Shepard said.

“Damn. That's a mouthful, you guys.” He stared down at the pale white and brown baby, who slacked his mandibles enough that Vega saw that yep, turians were indeed born with a full set of teeth. “Think we'll call you _á_ _guila_.”  
  
Shepard opened her mouth to argue, but was instantly silenced by the screech of a new arrival.

“Dadddy!” Shepard and Garrus' eldest daughter ran in wailing and immediately threw herself against Garrus' thin leg.

“Hey, Ash.” Garrus leaned down and picked her up. “What's wrong?”  
  
“Saaaanta?” The little two year old in his arms reached up and touched his face, trying to turn him toward her sister. “Santa, Ash! Santa!”

Ash took no notice. “Mordin put gum in my hair!”

Vega squinted and, sure enough, toward the very bottom of her long, glossy hair, there was a big glob of what looked suspiciously like spit and a green twisted piece of what could only be well-chewed gum. Garrus, a man more willing to make certain sacrifices, delicately touched it.

“Why did he do that?”

“It's her fault.” A small krogan who could only be Mordin sulked from the doorway as Ash buried her head in her father's cowl. “She tried to take my toy!”

“Ash?”  
  
“Just wan'ta see it. Wasn't gonna take it.”

Garrus made a soft sigh. “Well, maybe after you two apologize, we can pull...”  
  
“It's his fault!” She wailed.

“Not my faul—”  
  
“C'mon, Ash.” Shepard held out her hands and Garrus and her exchanged looks. “Let's go see Wrex and get some scissors.”  
  
“Uh... Lola?” Vega coughed. “Think you're forgetting something?”  
  
Lola smirked. “Consider this your first official assignment in babysitting, Mr. Vega.”  
  
Vega stared down at the child still firmly grasping his face.

La Morena stared back with all the intensity and fervor of his abuela during a midnight mass.

* * *

There were times Garrus Vakarian wished he had taken his visor with him to record video, because no one would believe him – perhaps not even Shepard – if he told them where he was.

Leaning against the sink in one of Tali'Zorah's bathrooms, Garrus watched as Zaal'Koris applied a large glob of some oily substance and worked it through his daughter's hair.

On the other side of the crowded bathroom, Wrex held Mordin with a firm grip, forcing him to watch as Ash sniffled.

“I said I was sorry!” Mordin sighed. “Can I go now?”  
  
Garrus watched as Wrex's grip tightened. “A good warrior sees his actions all the way through – good or bad.”  
  
“But this is boring!” Mordin pouted.

“You know, Mordin,” Garrus said, glancing toward Ash. “I was there when your father learned that lesson.”  
  
“Garrus.” Wrex's voice held a warning, but no true threat.  
  
Garrus ignored him.

“We were in the thick of battle against the geth on Virmire. Your dad there,” he gestured,” shot one, and, in a rare occurance, happened to hit the last one with a clean headshot.”  
  
“Garrus.” There was slightly more of a threat there, but one glance at Ash and Mordin – both of whom were staring at him in rapt eagerness – made him ignore it. “And your dad turns around and says, 'Hey, show's over! Let's go home!”  
  
“That's cool, dad.” Mordin beamed.

“Yeah, well...” Wrex laughed. “Your old man has some good ones.”  
  
“Did you have cool lines, daddy?” Ash asked, so focused on her father that she missed Zaal'Koris tugging at the edge of her hair with a brush.  
  
“Oh, tons.” Garrus' mandibles dropped in a smile.

“Too damn many.” Wrex laughed. “Your old man was noisy, for a sniper. Think the turian military kept him so far back just to make sure that he didn't give away the location to the enemy.”  
  
“Ha ha, Wrex.” Garrus shrugged. “Anyway, Wrex here is all boasting – I guess one headshot in a battle is notable if you're not used to accuracy – and it seems he forget one important thing about the geth.”  
  
“What's that, dad?” Ash asked.

“I presume it is that they were intelligent creatures who had their own rights and whose death should not be used for cheap jokes.“ The Admiral's mouth was pinched.  
  
“Sorry, Admiral. That's true, but it would be a few years until we learned that. What we learned _that_ day was that geth systems don't all shut down right away. Turns out if you want to make an 800 year old Krogan run, what you need to do is have a geth arm pinch him riiight in that small joint between groin plating and leg plating.”  
  
“Dad!” Mordin looked at his father, eyes wide, as Ash giggled. “Did you really run?”  
  
“Even proud warriors can be made fools, Mordin.” Wrex rubbed his son's ridge affectionately. “Just like some foolish turians can do alright, once in a while.”  
  
Garrus opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Tali'Zorah, who appeared in the hallway with an entire tray of star-shaped pastries with what appeared to be a jelly stuffing. “How is it going?”  
  
The admiral held out a large gob of what could only be Mordin's old gum. “The operation was a success, I believe.”  
  
Ash beamed. “Thank you mr, ah...mr...”  
  
Zaal'Koris shook his head. “Zaal is fine.”  
  
“Mr. Zaal.” Ash looked shyly at Tali, or, more accurately, Tali's tray.

“Do you want a cookie, guys? This batch is levo!”

Ash looked at Garrus.

“Go on.” He jerked his head toward Tali.

“I want some too!”

“Well, can you two pyjacks share this time?” Wrex's voice definitively carried a threat this time.  
  
“Yeah!”

“Yes'm.”

Garrus watched as the two took off toward Tali and bit back a laugh as Wrex did the same. Some things about being a father, he was learning, crossed all species.

Zaal'Koris, his mission complete, washed his hands.

“Thanks again, Admiral.” Garrus grinned. “You got us out of quite the sticky situation.”  
  
Wrex groaned. “I think I'm going to go see if Tali has more of those cookies.”  
  
Zaal'Koris' mouth twitched into something close to a smile – the closest, Garrus suspected, that the sour-faced admiral ever got. “You are welcome.”  
  
“What was that stuff, anyway?”  
  
“Stash'keshmir.” Zaal'Koris smiled. “Common ingredient in our cooking, high-protein paste. Anything oily will do.”

“Well, thanks agai—” Garrus froze, mid-thanks, as the piercing cry of what could only be a turian infant echoed around the bathroom.

“What is—?”  
  
“Garrus,” Shepard appeared in the doorway, “We have a situation.”  
  
He stared at his son, bawling inconsolably in Shepard's arms.

“Heeey.” He slowly pulled Paxus into his arms, bouncing the little turian as he sobbed. “What's going on?”  
  
“Dunno.” Shepard ran a hand over Paxus' brow-plate. “Garrus, he's a little warm.”  
  
“Yeah.” He repeated her action. “Not good. Sorry, buddy. Looks like you might be getting a little sick.”  
  
Paxus mandibles dipped and he keened again.  
  
“Should we try to get a doctor?”  
  
“I believe I can provide assistance, Shepard.”  
  
* * *

Shepard turned slowly as a familiar – yet long silent – friend walked up to her. EDI tilted her head, looking nearly the same as she had the day four years ago when Tali and Joker had slowly, reverently removed her from the co-pilot seat.

She'd known Tali and Zaal'Koris had spent years extensively rebuilding EDI's run-times to the point where she was recognizable as EDI, but knowing it and seeing it were two different things.

She swallowed.

“EDI.” She breathed a deep breath. “It's... good to see you.”  
  
EDI nodded, perfunctory but focused on other tasks. “You as well, Shepard.” She placed one hand on Paxus' head.

“Has he exhibited any symptoms of bronchial distress?”

“No.” Shepard shook her head. “Just started getting fussy when we passed Vega with his sister.”

EDI was silent, her fingers mentally probing several pressure points. When she hit an unplated area on the back of his head, light blue sparks flared out from his fingers.

“Ah.” Garrus sighed. “Looks like Kaidan was right.”  
  
“I was right about what?” Kaidan came over, still carrying enough presents that he just might take the Santa title from Vega.

“Biotic sparks.” Shepard nodded and soothed Paxus' brow. Now that the spark had gone out, he seemed to be settling down.

“Ah.” Kaidan grinned. “Well, congratulations, Garrus. Looks like you get your new fridge.”  
  
Shepard raised her eyebrow in a silent question while Garrus purposefully avoided looking at her, focusing all his attention on their now quieting son.

“And EDI.” Kaidan grinned. “Steve and I had been hoping you would be with us, but...” Kaidan threw his arms around her. “Seeing you like this, it's... great. You have been missed on the Normandy.”  
  
“You as well, Major.” EDI returned the hug. “Is Jeff with you? Creator Tali'Zorah said—”

“Creator Tali'Zorah?” Shepard gave EDI an odd look. The old EDI certainly hadn't sounded like _that_.  
  
“Yes. I have decided to give them that title to show my gratitude that Tali'Zorah and Zaal'Koris undertook the initiative to repair me. It is also a tribute for the geth. It is common for organics to use such honorifics as a way to remember, is it not?”

Shepard nodded and tried to ignore the tightness in her chest. _One day. One day we'll fix them all._

“Don't worry, he's coming.” Kaidan chuckled. “And man, I can't wait to see his face when he sees you.”

As if he had heard it, Joke came behind them, chatting with Steve. Steve saw EDI first, dropping behind Joker slightly. Joker looked up – probably to ask why Steve had just started grinning like an idiot – and then...

“Is this a joke?”  
  
“No, Jeff.”

Joker pulled off his baseball cap and was, for once, speechless for a few seconds.

Edi pulled Joker into a hug, and Shepard elbowed Garrus gently, trying not to jar Paxus. “Let's give 'em some space. Poor Vega's probably getting tired of babysitter duty.”  
  
“Yeah.” Garrus nodded.

She heard Joker ask “How...?” as she left and grinned.

* * * 

They found Vega much as they had left him, now sitting in a chair by the door with Sapi curled onto his lap.

“Hey morena, do you know all of Santa's reindeer?”  
  
“ _Dasha..._ ” Sapi said, her face the very picture of concentration. Shepard bit her cheek not to laugh as Sapi began counting of her fingertips. _“Donna. Blizzen. Rudofff. Victus. Fedorian._ ”

“Pretty sure those last two aren't reindeer,” Garrus remarked as he reached their daughter, whose countdown was spoiled by her reaching out her arms to run her fingers down Garrus' mandibles. “Although I'm sure Primarch Victus would be very honored to know you hold him in such high regard.”

“Daddy!" _  
_

“Well Scars definitively isn't a reindeer.”

“Definitively not.” Shepard agreed, then leaned down to collect her daughter. She didn't fight her picking her up and simply wrapped her chubby arms around her mother; hopefully that meant the Santa-mania had passed.

“Damn.” Jimmy stood up, stretching his legs. “Was beginning to think you two had abandoned me.”  
  
“Nah.” Shepard chuckled and pressed a kiss into Sapi's browplate. “Just like watching you squirm.”  
  
“Yeah, well, consider it a Christmas gift.” Vega grinned and patted Sapi on the back, who sleepily yawned a final, excited santa. “Merry Christmas Scars, Lola.”  
  
“Merry Christmas, Vega.”  
  
Vega grinned and left them.

“We should see where Ash got to.”  
  
“Still with Wrex, Tali and Mordin, I think.” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Shepard's forehead. “Let's put these two to bed, and then we'll track them down, make sure they haven't overdosed on sugar.”

They moved silently as a team, finding the two bassinets that they had brought for the younger ones. Garrus put Paxus down first, then Sapi, and then gave her a look that had nothing to do with sleep.

“Merry Christmas, Mrs. Vakarian. And you too,” he said, stroking her stomach gently. “How did that story end? Merry Christmas to you all and?”

“Merry Christmas, Mr. Shepard.” She leaned up, pressing a kiss into his mandibles. “And it was to all a good night.”

 

 


End file.
